Tuesday, May 13, 2008

THE PITIFUL TALE OF A PARTICULARLY PATHETIC PURSE

I tell you today a sad, sad story of how one woman slid down the slippery slope of pitiful purse use. I'm betting she has a sister in your town.

She bought a purse back in 1995 for $6.99 and 50% off, and she is using it still! And she's going to use that bag every day of the year...maybe for the rest of her life. In the sweltering heat of summer, the cool fall weather, the snows of winter, and the sunny springtime....she will be clutching this purse. She just ignores the fact that the bottom and one side are no longer the original light tan...they are covered now with car floor dirt, restaurant floor grime, and a little restroom floor yuck! The other side is covered by a large red stain that happened when she tried to open the little ketchup packet at Dairy Queen. Of course, that helps to cover the large cola stain that was left when the baby sneezed with a mouthful of Diet Coke. And even though at one time the shoulder strap was attached with two bright, shiny almost gold rings, a diaper pin works just as well to replace that one that broke. And, to her credit, it does match the other almost gold ring now that it has taken on a dull, gray patina. But, to her credit, she has tried to dress it up a bit with her collection of key rings....including the green rubber frog whose tongue lashes out whenever you squeeze it, and the one that is shaped like granny panties and says 'put on your big girl panties and deal with it'...along with the replica of the juke box that plays 'Stand By Your Man'...and my personal favorite...the one designed like a giant nickel, which, when opened, contains 4 lip glosses including Bad Baby Brown, Pink Punk Princess , Rockin' Rosy Red, and Luscious Lady Lavender. The key chains all jingle and shake as she walks and occasionally, passersby are serenaded by a little Tammy Wynette...but, hey, the kids can always locate her if they get separated. Now, she's way too busy to take the extra time necessary to change purses, and so it goes with her to work, to church, to her niece's wedding and to great Aunt Sally's funeral. Unfortunately, this bag may soon be cited for being a health hazard. She keeps an extra diaper for the baby in there, and just exchanges the good for the bad. There are enough p-nut m&m's, squashed milk duds, and assorted Mentos to provide a nice little snack for the kids. It's too bad that the plant Little Johnny potted for Mother's Day dumped over in it on the way home from school...the candy may taste a little gritty now. And all that soil is going to get under her fingernails when she goes diving for the cell phone. Oh, and that smell? No one has ventured to look, but I'm thinking it may have something to do with that Easter Egg they never found.

If this description matches anyone you know...it is up to you to do the right thing.
Quick! When she's not looking...grab it...take it home...and burn it! Or it may be safer if you just called the Hazardous Materials Disposal Team!
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DISCLAIMER: It is possible that this almost true story may contain a few exaggerations...but, most facts are presented just as they were seen by a highly reliable witness...who knows a thing or two about purses...and lots of other stuff.

3 comments:

justabeachkat said...

Hmmmmm....I think I might have seen that same purse....

Hugs!
Kat

LivingTheLife said...

Yea...and the seams were held together by womans best friend..."duct tape"...yep...I know your friend and HER purse...

Exaggerations...nah...woman don't exxagerate!

Blessings...
Teresa

Musicaljean said...

Does it have safety pins holding the outside pocket together so she doesn't keep losing her keys down under the lining?

If I take it from her I'm gonna eat the candy out of it first before I burn it.