Thursday, July 16, 2009

MY QUESTIONS...Part 1

Yesterday came and went. And I survived it. I buried my mother. Can you imagine how hard it is to type those words? I wasn't ready to do that. I didn't want to do it. And, I did not like doing it. And, I told God...and He listened. He said to me the same thing that my sweet Ian, did when I said those words to him. He just held me and let me cry, and said "I know...I know."
"But, God", I said, "why did you do this to me? Why did you take my Mother away? Why did you take Pop's love away? Why did you take the kid's Granny away?" But, He gave me no answer then. Which made me mad, because if you really want to hear a word from God, it is when He takes your Mom away!

Ian and I went to pick up Pop yesterday morning before the service. He happens to have a very unruly patch of hair right in the back of his head. Mom always would have him sit at her vanity and she would fix that spot. And, then she would spray it so it would stay. I did that yesterday. Ian made sure the tie matched the suit...Mom did that, too. And, we were off. When we walked into the sanctuary at church, Mom was lying there, and I went and rubbed her head and touched her beautiful white hair, and told her I hoped she would be pleased with all we did in her honor.

And, family and friends started arriving. I don't think I mentioned before that her sisters, and her brother and his wife, and 2 cousins came from NC. It was such a comfort to have them with us. They all still live withing a few miles of one another near their homeplace...Mom is the only one who moved away. But, they have remained very close through the years, and Joy and I have been so fortunate to have a wonderful relationship with them all. Several dear friends, who are older, and very feeble, came...in wheelchairs. She has ministered to them over the years. I would never have thought she would go first. The pastors were there, and the musicians were there. I tried to speak to everyone who we had not seen the night before at visitation. But, I became a little overwhelmed at one point, and sat down on the front pew...and covered my eyes. Tears began to fall. I said, in my grief,"O God! Why have You done this? Why?" And, He did not answer me. But, when I opened my eyes, there stood 4 dear friends from school. I got hugs and love straight from the Father....and regained my composure. People took their seats as it got close to the time for the service. Pam had been playing the piano. But, my sister took over...and played with the grace of an angel. She played for about 15 minutes...songs that were favorites of Mom...songs that she used to sing as solos and duets. And the last song,"It is Well"...she played, and as I watched she was singing the words as she played..."It is well with my soul..." It was a beautiful moment. It took great strength for Joy to do that, but she did it as a tribute to Mom...and for Tara, and Lori, and Tommy, and Pop, and me. Thank You Joy. She loved that!

Our family, both by blood, and by friendship, retired to a quiet room for prayer. While we were gone the casket was closed. My Mom was inside...along with a little cloth angel that she had given to Lori when she was a little girl. That angel had been over her bed ever since...and followed her to college and grad school and now into her home as a new wife. And, now it lies with Granny...all stuffed full of a young girl's love for the sweet lady who understood her so well and loved her without question.

3 comments:

Kat said...

My eyes are full of tears because of your sweet words. Your Mom is so proud of you sweet friend.

And so am I.

Hugs!
Kat

Tracey-RealEstateGirl said...

Tonja,

Again, another puddle of tears on my desk and streaming down my face. Gary just came downstairs and was alarmed wondering what was wrong and I told him all about you and your sweet mama.

Gary played the cello at my Dad's funeral and my sister-in-law accompanied him on the piano. They were playing "It is Well" at the exact moment my father's casket was closed and to this day, I cannot hear that song without the floodgates opening.

The love that's been showered on you throughout all this was the reason I realized how much I miss my circle of friends in the blog world. I went back to October 2006 and re-read my posts regarding my Dad's passing and funeral and was reminded how what you're feeling now is so similar to what I felt then. I also re-read the post at the 1 year anniversary.

People tell you it gets "easier", but it doesn't. You just somehow find a way to live with it. And some days you'll shed tears recalling sweet memories, and other days you'll smile.

But remember this, every tear you shed, our Father collects and feels your pain, sorrow, grief right along with you.

I love you, my friend.
Tracey

nancygrayce said...

Tears fall for you and your family as I read this. Your mom was well loved!