Thursday, December 13, 2007

LIGHTING 101,,,,,,,REMEDIAL VERSION

Friends, I hate to do this, but it has become necessary to make a few corrections to some of your decorating choices. I realize that we all have different tastes and likes and dislikes...but, I'm afraid some of you are in need of a little guidance.

Let's talk about your yard and outside home decor for the holidays. Personally, you can do whatever you want to inside and I have no right to comment because that's your personal space...BUT...I am forced to see the outside and there are a few things you should remember.

1. You do not have to put a light on every single tree, bush, limb and leaf in your yard. A little goes a long way. Some of those spindly, sad looking trees do not deserve to be lit up. Choose a few of your better specimens to highlight.

2. Upon deciding to use thousands of lights in your yard, it would be most considerate of you to choose one color. If you run out of lights in your chosen color, it is never OK to substitute a string of another color to fill in. We are striving for a cohesive look here friends. Not a look that says, "they ran out of blue lights, guess I'll finish out with purple." Bad idea. Buy them all at one time from the same store...different manufacturers have differing shades of color.

3. There are a myriad of ways to add your lights. They come in nets, single string, icicle lights, lights that twinkle, lights that chase, light that change colors, even rope lights. It boggles the mind, I know. But, the rule here is...choose 1 type and stick with it. It is too stressful to try to take in all the different movements going on in your yard as we drive by. It causes such a distraction that it could lead to an accident. And having cars piled up in your front yard will really cause your display to lose all effectiveness.

4. If you should choose to cover every visible limb with lights...this project will require a ladder. If you are vertically challenged...you must not stop the lights at the farthest reaches of your arms. The limbs continue, people, and so should the lights. AND...in case you are wondering...it is NEVER permissible to throw the lights at the tree in hopes that the branches will reach out and catch them perfectly placed. This will never happen. Don't even try!

5. Some demented mind came up with the newest of attractions...giant snow globes. I can see where these could cause small children to lose their minds with glee...but as a parent...you must set some limits. The globes are available with Santa and the Mrs., Santa and the reindeer, Snowmen, Unidentifiable creatures, even the Grinch. While I am sure, if you like this sort of thing, these choices would be hard to make...make it you must. It shows your lack of decisiveness when you have several in a row. And, how confusing,,,Santa and Mrs. Clause next to the Grinch...why! that's just ridiculous..not to mention sending mixed messages to your children.

6. Where Oh Where is Baby Jesus? Usually you'll find the glowing Holy Family waaaaay over to the side under a plastic stable. I bet if you asked, He would not mind being left out of this hodge-podge of twinkle that some of us pass off as decorating. Especially when the Grinch is 5 times as large and front and center!

7. If your neighbors move to the beach for the whole month of December...this could be a clue that you have gone overboard. They in no way want to be associated with such ostentatious, not to mention, tacky, display. It pains them deeply to have to see this each time they return from an outing....and their mail is piling up because it is too embarressing to walk to the mailbox.

8. You are a reflection of your whole neighborhood. No one, in their right mind wants to live in the vicinity of the "Land of Twinkle and Chaos" for the month of December......Please tell me you have it down by Jan.1...PLEASE!

7 comments:

Lynne said...

You must have been riding in my neighborhood when you wrote #5. There is a house with a small front yard - filled with four - 4 - of those big snow globes. They are so crowded you can't even make out one from another. TACKY!

Add this to your list. If one strand of lights in the middle of the display burns out, please replace it. Picture a house trimmed in icicle lights (which I hate) with one section blank. And please fill it in with the same type and color of lights. Don't throw purple lights in the middle of white (See number 2).

RealEstateGirl said...

As usual, this is HILARIOUS!!! I think you saw my neighbor's house a few streets over that I posted about a few posts ago!

I'm guilty of covering every single tree...but I use all clear lights! I don't like the colored ones!

Too funny!

Sandi @the WhistleStop Cafe said...

Bah Humbug! I am a big fan of the blow up display!

Theresa said...

You said exactly whats been on my mind, great job!

Kristen said...

Oh this is just too funny! I wrote a "sarcastic" article for the magazine I write for very similar to this one. I'll have to send it to you!

Musicaljean said...

Once again, Tonja, you had me laughing out loud. But I do know of one really awesome display:

There is someone we know in this area who lives in the woods. There's a long meandering driveway through his property that exits onto another road. At Christmas he strings lights of many different colors on a LOT of trees and bushes. He has Christmas music playing through outdoor speakers and he welcomes people to drive through his property. It's absolutely awe inspiring. You almost feel like you're driving on Holy ground.

Ang baylis said...

Oh my goodness, Tonja! This was my favorite post yet! You had me cracking up! Did you see me throw those lights up there hoping they'd catch on a branch? Oh... and I love those tacky snowmen and blow ups! As a joke we put one up at our friends' house so they could see it when they came home. It's been passed around town. No one knows who'd lucky enough to get it next! Sorry if I have offended anyone, but I totally agree with my friend, Tonja on this one!
Merry Christmas to all of the Clark Griswolds out there!
Love,
Angie xoxo